The Infamous Farting Preacher

If you don't know about Robert Tilton then you might want to read up on him over at Wikipedia before continuing to read here. Or, you can just get my nutshell version of this sleazeball which pretty much summates what is said in the link. Mr. Tilton is, in my opinion, one of the lowest forms of life in existence. In the nineties, he became extremely wealthy by telling poor people and sick people that they could get rich or get well simply by sending him money (preferably a thousand bucks). Nearly all of his show was spent claiming that the only way to escape from the devil--which was why they were poor or sick--was to fork over that cash to his piece of shit ass. He spent very little time actually preaching good faith or attempting to uplift a depressed soul or doing anything that might possibly hint that there was any value in sending him a buck. And a lot of people sent him a lot of money throughout the beginning of the nineties until Dateline blew the whistle on his game. After that he drifted into obscurity for a while only to be replaced by a video clip of The Farting Preacher which was just Mr. Tilton preaching with different fart noises dubbed in during opportune times. If you haven't seen it, your first reaction might be slight apall (unless you have a negative opinion of Christianity or religion which means you will find it hilarious sans guilt) as you laugh and chuckle. Personally, I've known for some time that Robert Tilton is two floors down from the devil himself (hey, at least the devil is honest about what he's doing). But the really good thing is that thanks to YouTube you can experience all five of the Farting Preacher remixes. This one here is the latest (although it still might be old) and my personal favorite. Oh, and thanks to Micks for the contribution because I now realize that a decent humor blog would be incomplete if it didn't have a link to The Farting Preacher:

Finding Old Friends That Never Knew You

Back in the days when I used to live in an ugly apartment and spend my time hussling about in a white delivery van, there was precious little to look at on the Internet (besides porn, of course). This was eight years ago, I guess, and I was obsessed with two things: overclocking my computer and trying to figure out if anything from Trivinity, a long-winded, senseless thing I finished writing (actually, quit is a better word) a year earlier, was salvagable. I had success with the former (a Pentium III overclocked from 333 to 456...can I get a "Hell Yeah" from the geeks in the room?) and only wasted hours of my life rewriting and editing things that were better left buried on my hard drive with the latter. Somewhere in that time, I came across Xander Mellish, a struggling writer who started a website based on her many short stories. The characters in her stories were always amusing because they were these extremely smart yet completely innocent women who were forced to become treacherous despite their golden hearts. Romance novels were full of women with such potential but unlike romantical heroines, Xander's heroines did not contain the vital "Swoon Gene" which is so prevalant in most female leads. Once a month, I would get drunk enough to write Xander about writing, inspiration, the simple randomness of it all and she would always reply with a positive, uplifting response that always completely annoyed me. Still, she was nice and she could write and I followed her site as she went on the quest to finish her first book, The Five Georges. She would update her site about how things were going until, one day, it just stopped. I found out later that she moved to Denmark and started working for a paper there. Today, I discovered that her site is back up although it is no longer just the funny short stories of the past, instead it has an array of stories about many different things although her old stories are still intact in the "Classics" section. If you need a good read, this is a good place to get it. I suggest you start with Xander's stories about Denmark because them Danes are a bit of a peculiar bunch.

You can find Xander here.

A Definite Case For Holmes & Watson

So they just came out with this report where 31 states recorded increases in adult obesity. It seems that despite government initiatives at both the state and federal level, people are still getting bigger. It is quite the quandary. Of course, this news comes only a mere week after McDonald's launched their new Arch card. That's a bold move, creating a debit card that can only be used to purchase crappy fast food but I guess that's why McDonald's is the number one fast food chain. They know how to think outside of the box. Not that the other fast food chains are slackers. Hardee's has their award winning Double Thickburgers and it's co-partner in the business, Carl's Jr, has the peculiar Pastrami Burger. Wendy's has the Classic Triple which begs the question of just when did three slabs of meat on top of each other become classic? But not to be outdone Burger King just came out with Stackers that can go four patties high! That's impressive, but even more impressive is Dairy Queen's jump into the burger fray with this little gem:



That there is called the Chili Meltdown Grill Burger. Dairy Queen claims that it'll make a man out of you which I will not disagree with since only a real man can eat two burger patties, a lot of cheese, a whole onion, and a bowl of chili all at the same time. A real man with a real deadly amount of heartburn afterward.



All that said, the people that I personally blame for all of the obesity issues in America isn't a fast food chain at all. I blame companies like Dockers with their innovative individual fit waistband. Really what is the incentive to lose that little bit of extra weight in order to fit into your pants when your pants will automatically change size to fit you? Sure, it's convenient but there is something to be said for the motivational humility of having to sew the button back on your pants after your belly just launched it across the room and scared five lives out of your always nervous house cat. But I could be wrong and maybe the fast food people are really to blame. But I doubt my cat, who has lived exclusively under my bed for the past two years, would agree.

Americans Are Addicted To Crap

I've had this thing sitting atop my router for three years now:

What is it? That is the heaviest friggin' bobblehead ever created. It's of Tiger Woods, it's called "Major Force", and it weighs no less than a pound and a half. Why has it been sitting atop my router for the past three years? Honestly, I haven't a friggin' clue. It was a gift which tells you why I own it in the first place but why I have kept it atop my router for so long is anybody's guess. The really funny thing is that if you try to bobble his head, he will immediately fall forward. I know this because for a couple of months I thought that I would make him useful and tap the bill of his cap for luck before I went out to play golf. Every single time I tapped his cap, his head would take to bobblin' and he would immediately jump off of the router and onto something on my desk that was infinitely more important than a stupid bobblehead made of lead. I used to own a very expensive Hewlett Packard financial calculator until I had an exceptionally early tee time and half-asleep I bobbled Tiger for luck. Needless to say, I no longer own a Hewlett Packard financial calculator but I do still have my Tiger Woods "Major Force" bobblehead although he did lose a pointy finger from the exchange. Last year my son got hold of him and decided to highlight his shirt with a Sharpie. And yet there he still sits atop my router pointing at me with his stub of a finger with embarrassing streaks of Sharpie across his face, body, and clothing. As I look at him, I can only guess that I'm addicted to crap. I don't know when I got addicted to it and I don't know how. However, after looking at the movement of bobbleheads in general on Ebay and spending a full hour with my wife at the Dollar General store I think every other American is addicted to crap as well. So I guess that's why I never hear anybody talking about it....we are a country still in denial.

Way To Drop The Ball, India

The country of India has a dream. A dream to end the suffering of millions if not billions of lives. In simple terms, India wants to create an effective poultry vaccine against the H5N1 bird flu. Kennedy wanted to go to the moon, Martin Luther King, Jr. wanted to stop hundreds of years of racial biggotry and separation, and the nation of India wants to keep their chickens from getting the flu. I figured they would want to stop mad cow disease since cows are sacred or maybe they would want figure out how to stop monkeys from flinging crap on people since monkeys are sacred but, apparently, the people of India are fairly fond of chickens as well. Regardless, because of their drive and focus, India might have indeed created a vaccine that will stop poultry across the nation from ever again having to deal with a stuffy beak and an inability to cluck due to sore throat. However, in their quest, India forgot to build a facility that can actually house a live vaccine; which is absolutely crucial if you want to stop chickens from getting the flu. How embarrassing. When America decided that it wanted to go to the moon, the first thing it did was build a shuttle that could damn well take it to the moon! Why? Because if your gonna think big you gotta be big! When Reagan decided he was gonna end the Cold War by amassing thousands of nuclear weapons, what did he do? He amassed thousands of nuclear weapons, that's what he did! So, India, if you say your gonna stop millions of chickens from ever again experiencing the ill effects of the flu you better be damn well able to back that shit up! Otherwise, leave the dreaming to the countries who don't just dream, they do the dream.

Here's the article.

The Flavor Is In The Fungus

I caught this article on the Brazil Post today. Apparently, the true flavor of coffee has nothing to do with the coffee itself, it has to do with the fungi within the coffee. I know what your thinking, "Fungus makes coffee taste better? That's crazy!" But it's true! In fact, this isn't the first time I've heard of such a thing because in the past I used to enjoy the occasional glass of port wine until I read an article that wineries in Portugal had started using people with athlete's foot to stomp the grapes because the foot fungus enhanced the flavor of the port wine. Telling me that the grapes were stomped by incontinent swine would not have made me any less ill to my stomach at the time. But, then again, back then I really didn't have any appreciation for the extraordinary flavor-enhancing properties of a really funky fungus.

Now I must wonder how long will we have to wait before somebody comes out with the first mushroom juice? If these little funguses make beverages so much more delicious, certainly a nice big Portabello or Shitake will be ten times as delectable in liquid form. And it is certainly an untapped market because even V-8, the quintessential juice full of things that should not be turned into juice, doesn't even use mushrooms in their recipe. Halfbakery agrees and thinks they should just get rid of the coffee altogether and start serving frothy mushroom juice instead. As for me, I'll stick with my slightly less psychotropic Coca-Cola for now.

The Pet I Always Wanted

For my tenth birthday I got a copy of the Guiness Book of World Records which I read from cover to cover at least twenty times. It was the 1982 Special Edition and within it's pages were listed some fun facts that I use to this day. For instance, I discovered the world's hardest tongue twister which took me a full week to master: The sixth sick shiek's sixth sheep's sick. Or the world's most alcoholic city: I remember it was some place in Siberia where each person consumed three gallons of vodka a day and that was counting every man, woman, and child. The 1982 Special Edition even had the fat twins on the minibikes and those African ladies with all those brass rings around their necks. However, my single favorite thing above all other things and the page I looked at the most was the one about the world's smallest monkey. I remember it as the "thumb monkey" but it is actually a pygmy marmoset. I wanted one of those monkeys so bad I used to dream about having one all the way into my teen years (which was around the time my brother traded my 1982 Special Edition copy of the Guiness Book of World Records for a pack of Levi Garrett chewing tobacco). That was nearly twenty years ago so it came as a bit of a surprise to me to see the pygmy marmoset once again on the front page of the Herald Sun. Now I want one all over again.


Just look at the little buggers. Sure kitties and puppies are cute but they don't have little hands and little people-like faces. It's a fact that the people of Lilliput were direct descendents of the pygmy marmoset. Alright I made that up.

Maybe I'm still scarred by the whole Sea Monkey fiasco which was a pretty bad event in my childhood. I know your thinking, "Hey, who didn't get disappointed by Sea Monkeys? Get over it." But you didn't have my brother. I spent twelve bucks of my own money on the bowl, the castle, and other various kingdom related items and just before my Sea Monkeys voted on their first form of Parliamentary government, my brother dumped a cup of bleach into the bowl. No Sea Monkey survived, not one.

That left a hole in my heart and I think I need a wee monkey to plug that hole. Either that, or I need to read Catcher in the Rye again. Either way, it means I've gotta go shopping on Ebay.

In The News....A Long Friggin' Time Ago

The one thing about blogging that can get you in the most trouble is blogging about a topic that is considered "yesterday". Mainly, that's why I try to refrain from current events unless I am absolutely certain that my topic is absolutely current. Yet, even then, I am sometimes a bit late (for instance, the Charlotte Church video I blogged was over a year old but, hey, it was new to me). It is even one of the ten golden rules of blogging, number four I think: Don't Blog Old Topics. Of course, they say to avoid trying to do a humor blog as well which makes me a real sinner in the blogging community. That said, I felt a sense of mild relief to discover that even Yahoo! sometimes makes a blunder. On the main page of their website right now is the famous folding t-shirt video. I first saw this thing no less than two years ago and while I thought it was interesting I would not put it in my top ten videos even back then. Which is why I find it rather amusing that Yahoo! has put it on their website now. You can find the link to the actual website for the actual folding t-shirt video here. As for me, I've seen it about a hundred times but the video did cause me to remember JibJab which I will now put in my Links.

I've Been Voodoo Hexed

I lost my third pair of sandals today in less than two months. The latest pair to come undone were barely four weeks old and showed no sign of even the slightest bit of wear or tear. But right there in the parking lot the left one just blew right out on me. I nearly dropped my corn dog as a result of the event. I've asked around and I have yet to find a single person who has lost a single pair of shoes in a similar manner and yet I've already lost three pairs...in less than two months! I've thought about it a lot and I can only come to the conclusion that I have been hexed in some manner of voodoo or possibly witchcraft. Obviously, the person behind the cursing is really not all that good at what they do because if they were I should be covered in boils or have already jumped in front of a moving bus. Instead, I'm walking around with one foot unshod. Still, I'm concerned. Footwear--decent footwear, I mean--isn't all that cheap and I can't keep throwing out five bucks every couple of weeks just because I ticked off some waitress who is one tenth Haitian and likes to dabble in Wiccan lore or some shit. My wife says I just need to stop buying cheap flip-flops from discount stores but she doesn't understand what I'm dealing with here. And, apparently, she forgets that the first pair were actually Birkenstocks; sure they were eight years old and no longer had any cork on their heels but they were Birk's! Only voodoo witchcraft can take out a Birk! No, buying new shoes is definitely not the answer. What I need to do is go on the offensive and bust out a little old school hexing of my own. I'm one sixteenth Cherokee (or Apache maybe?) so I've got a little bit of the ancient spirit swirling around in me (I know, because it really starts to stir when I eat Indian food). First, I need to find out who has cursed my shoes and then it is on! I'm not gonna give away exactly what I'm gonna do to the person but I will say that he or she might want to invest in an umbrella real soon.

A Game For The Disgruntled Middle American

I don't know about you but there are many times throughout the day when I wish I could just start killing people. Not randomly, of course, but sort of in "impromptu premeditated" fashion; a sort of spur of the moment flash kill if you will. And not road rage-like either, where you just whip out a gun and start shooting at different vehicles, because that's just insane! The random slaughter of somebody's pet Shitzu or the haphazard maiming of somebody's granny (even if she might be a minger) is just senseless violence and only promotes more senseless rage and eventual chaos! I'm talking about weeding out the daily assholes, dumbasses, jerks, and bitches you meet on any given day. I know that it isn't possible in today's society but I'm hopeful that we might reach some future utopian society in which such a thing is not only allowed, but it is encouraged. Until then, I guess I'll just play this fun little expansion pack for The Sim's:


I think I'm gonna start off by building up my education so that I can land a really good paying corporate job. Then I'll probably get married and have two kids. We'll move to some place nice in Pennsylvania, not a big city but close enough that we can go to some of the bigger plays and eat at a nice restaurant every now and then. I'll probably even put in a pool and start throwing parties. I might even teach a few classes at the local college. After that, I'll probably murder the jerk off who just ripped me off on my new Lexus. Next, I'll assassinate that couple in the RV who kept honking their horn at me because I wouldn't pull up to the next pump at the gas station. I'll explain to them that there was clearly a sign which said Out of Order on the pump--something I repeatedly pointed out as they were honking and cussing at me--before I slit their throats. Next, well, let me just say that I foresee a definite drop in population in the fine Sim's state of Pennsylvania.

The Church of Charlotte

When Bianca Ryan won the America's Got Talent million dollars this past week it got me to thinking about Charlotte Church. Sure, Bianca has talent but Charlotte Church was one of the most talked about voices anywhere. That's because when Charlotte was a kid she was singing in prestigious opera houses and being compared to some of the greatest singers in history. Which is why I found it odd that I had not heard much about her over the past few years. I figured she was still doing opera and Christmas songs but I was still curious to see if she still had such an amazing voice so I searched her name at YouTube. It didn't take long for me to discover that Charlotte is quite grown up and grown up Charlotte has decided to take her singing career down a new path. Look out Britney, Jessica, and Christina because the little girl from the UK has come to play.





Oh, and if you want to download YouTube videos onto your computer and don't know how, check out my latest link. You might find it to be very educational.

Gone Is The Granny Pic, Back Is My Optimism

Alright, after some personal debate, I took the naked granny pic off of my blog. I did this because, well, it made me feelt kinda uncomfortable everytime I would sweep over it while checking for typos. However, what contributed mostly to the decision was that I had received zero hits ever since I blogged it. I had been going steadily upward and then, bam! Nothin. Not a single visit. For two straight days. Normally, that wouldn't matter much to me since I blogged for six months to nobody just to get the hang of it but I had already made over two dollars on AdSense; and I've got my eyes on some new deodorant (and not the cheap shit either...I'm talkin' the fancy Old Spice stuff here!). But if things kept going like this, I would barely have enough money to buy a pack of breath mints. Then a couple of hours ago I remembered that I forgot to put my counter back on my blog when I changed my template. That was a real rookie mistake. But now I'm back on track. Heck, now I might even hold out for some new blades for my Schick Quattro....and those cost like eight bucks.

A Celebrity Inspired Website That Isn't Pointless

I don't know about you but I find the three hundred million blogs, pages, and websites dedicated to celebrities to be a bit redundant. Really, how many times do I need to know that Jennifer and Vince are married, not married, married, eloped, aren't really together, have a love child, don't even like each other...well, I think you get my point. I don't care if Kirstie Alley gained the weight back, Lindsey Lohan is feuding with Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise likes to snack on imported cheese, or Star Jones is really a man.

But what I do care about when it comes to celebrities is how tall I am in relation to them. Seriously, when it boils right down to it, isn't that what we all want to know? If you walked up to Kevin Bacon, wouldn't you want to know whether you would have to look up or down at him? I've always thought that Mr. Bacon looked short in his movies so I'm guessing I'd look down but I can't be for certain. However, now that I've found SizeMatcher.com I can be for certain! Thanks to SizeMatcher, I'll know whether or not I will have to look up or down at nearly every celebrity in America!

Oh, how liberating it is to finally know!

(and I thought blogging a top ten worst movies list was a waste of time)

I Thought I Would Brighten Up The Place

So out with the old and in with the new as they say. After yesterday's blog I decided I needed a template that lets things jump off of the page a bit better. If you don't agree that this template accomplishes that, just take a quick glance at the naked granny and see if I'm not right. Yesterday, on the previous template, she was just extremely unpleasant to look at but now she actually comes out of the monitor at you. Literally. Not but an hour ago, I was checking the blog at the 1280x720 setting and when I tried to scroll over her really fast, she popped her head out and asked me if I could run down to the liquor store and pick her up a bottle of gin and a carton of Lucky Strikes. I even have proof because her right boob swung out and knocked my drink onto my keyboard. So now I have a sticky keyboard and a pissed off wife because she thinks I'm drunk and smoking in the house. I tried to explain that it was just a better template but she got all hung up on why I would blog a picture of an old naked lady in the first place. I tried to explain that the old lady was a minger but that only caused my wife to think I was so drunk that I was now making up random words. I told her to look it up on Wikipedia but she only walked out of the room, stating, "See, there you go making up words again. It's called an Dictionary."

Still, I'm gonna give her some time. Eventually, I think she'll come around.

What Is A Minger?

According to the Urban Dictionary a minger is:

a male or female who fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down

And definition three claims that it derives from:

Scottish Gaelic, meaning 'septic vagina'.

Wikipedia offers no insight as to the meaning of this word but after viewing a few pics on Mingers.com I still don't have a clue. Here are a few examples of mingers on their website.




Alright, it's a bad pic, I'll give you that but it certainly isn't the face that makes it so horrible. Sure, the face doesn't help much but the leather jacket, the pose, the glasses, the funky big-ass ear rings all do their part. I'm guessing that a minger is somebody who isn't all that attractive and has absolutely no fashion sense.




Next pic.





Again, the face ain't the problem here but, really, the fashion sense is what saves this guy. Come on, a fat guy wearin' a "I Beat Anorexia" shirt. That's funny...and yet he is still a minger.





On to the third pic.

[Due to a certain level of offense caused by this picture I will now describe it instead of showing it. It was of a fairly seasoned woman sitting in the tub smoking a cigarette with a very suggestive look on her face. Yes, her extremely spent boobs were exposed but the poster of the image had blacked out her nip--actually, I explain that below. So, there, image gone. I went too far with this one I guess and I apologize for any of the unfortunates who had to witness it.]


For the love of...that is twice in one week that I have run across a pic of somebody's naked grandma! I will tell you right now, that isn't right....that is not right at all. Thank God for the person who had enough compassion to at least void out granny's....gulp!....nipply areas. Why couldn't they do something about the suggestive look on her face? The really sad part is that a pic of a naked elderly lady leaves me even more clueless as to what truly is a minger. But, then again, after seeing that pic I really don't care to know anymore.

News From Lewiston, Maine

It would appear that the folks up there in Lewiston have finally caught them a bonafide "creature-critter". The "dog-cat-thing" had been terrorizing the town for some time now; killing cats, staring at people in the night with it's beady glowing eyes, and in general just stinkin' up the place with it's complete disregard for personal hygiene. Some even suspect that it might be the legendary Chupacabra which is just silly because what would a creature of Latin-American lore be doing all the way up in Maine? Taking in some skiing? Learning to crab fish? And just look at it:

Just one look and you can tell that ain't no friggin' Chupacabra! The disheveled mane, the warthog-like teeth, the bulging eyes, and the demonic ears....that all points to one, and only one, thing. It's obvious that what they have in Lewiston, Maine is a baby Warg. It's probably barely a few months old but, despite it's youth, I doubt that something so wimpy as a car took it out. By my guess, I would say a club-wielding Dwarf, or possibly an adolescent Troll, downed this beast. I only hope that the Orc who owned this thing doesn't find out because they might have a real problem up there in Maine if it does.

Here's the article in the Lewiston Sun Journal.

UPDATE (8-17-2006): The link the the Sun Journal doesn't work anymore unless you subscribe to their site. Yeah, right, like anybody is going to do that. Your the friggin' Lewiston Sun Journal. I'd have a better chance of getting people to subscribe to BlogoftheBard and I don't even have a stinkin' baby Warg story! Oh, wait....I guess I do...and people can see mine without subscribing to see it. Get with the times Lewiston. Get with the friggin' times.

I Hate Terrorists Just As Much As The Next Person But...

...this might be takin' it a bit far. In their latest attempt to thwart evil from boarding aircraft, some airports have started using full body x-ray scanners. While this may sound like a good idea in order to keep innocent travelers safe, I must wonder to what extent are we willing to go in order to ensure that safety? For example, here is just one image showing the full body x-ray scanner at work:



I don't know about you but I think that on the "how far should we go to protect ourselves from terrorists" meter, that there is probably too far. Sure granny might be packin' but if the terrorists are gonna force us to look at their grannies exposed asses all of the time, I say we just give up now. I don't know about you, but I'd at least consider skimmin' through some Cliff's Notes of the Koran as opposed to having to look at that image again. But thats just me and I have been known to be a pretty shallow son of a bitch at times.

Finally, A Soldier Receives His Pardon

Private Harry Farr's family couldn't be happier that Harry finally got his pardon from the British government. I can see where they would be happy since it did take ninety years of fighting with the government before they finally exonerated Private Farr. As for Private Farr, himself, I doubt he really gives a shit since the British government shot him waaaayyyy back in 1916 for cowardice. I wonder if that pardon comes with some sort of resurrection clause or, at the very least, a shiny new tombstone? Now don't get me wrong, I know that World War I and World War II were true "fight to survive" wars but, come on, it shouldn't take ninety years to say that maybe your country was wrong for putting your own soldiers in front of a firing squad. These were young men that had already seen action, they had already served a part in defending your country; at least give their families something more than a meaningless pardon. Give 'em a new car or, at the very least, some free bus passes! And for the love of all things that are sane, pardon the other 306 young men you shot along with Private Farr! You do that and maybe we'll think about changing our tactics over at Guantanamo Bay......note I said maybe but if you throw in those new cars that maybe could change to a good chance pretty soon. But I still wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

Here's the Private Farr article.

Ishtar, Popeye, Caligula, & The Last Action Hero

They are all saved as Round Three eliminates them as well as these others from my top ten worst movies of the last thirty years:

3000 Miles to Graceland
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Ballistic: Ecks versus Sever
Congo
Cutthroat Island
Drop Dead Fred
Godzilla
The Gospel
Heaven's Gate
Joe's Apartment
Judge Dredd
Last Rites
Lost In Space
The Postman
She-Devil
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Town & Country

It would seem that if some movies are bad enough that they will almost always gather a cult following. Caligula, Star Trek V, and Joe's Apartment are all proof of that. These movies were bad, bad, bad and yet they were saved by alot of people giving them perfect ten reviews. Watch Joe's Apartment and I dare you to say this movie was anything above wretched. I dare you! It's singing cochroaches on a toilet with no friggin' point! Sure, I like Jerry O'Connell but even he was bad in this movie and I'm certain that if you were to ask him if he could go back in time and choose between still doing this movie or gaining all the weight back from his Stand By Me days he would probably....well, actually he'd probably still do Joe's Apartment. Which proves that Jerry O'Connell is an idiot because he agreed to do the hideous movie in the first place! As further proof, he also did Kangaroo Jack some seven years later. Hey, Jerry here's a bit of professional advice: Get A New Agent. Either that or gain the weight back and do a sitcom. There are plenty of less talented guys making a killing in Hollywood doing that.

When you can't find a giant squid, a hydro-electric car will have to do

I was going to blog about this article I saw on Yahoo! News today because an immediate theme came to mind. That being a parody of The New Colossus but instead of your poor, your tired, you know, it would be, "Give us your murderers, your rapists, your felons longing to steal our shit," but I really couldn't find a way to go with the story after that. Really, it isn't all that funny of a story (save my reference to the poem), especially not for the victims and certainly not for the felons because they are in Texas now and in Texas they treat their criminals a bit differently than they did in New Orleans. I'm not sure but I think they still hang you if you steal a man's horse in Texas and if your Hispanic they not only kill you but they also condemn your soul to live inside of an angry burro for another thirty years.

After that, I hopped on Metacafe and found this video on a hydro-electric car from GM. Now I know everybody has seen videos of these little gems because they are the cars of the future but what makes this one different is that it is the future of the cars of the future. Those smart engineers at GM already make the assumption that hydro-electric cars are the future and therefore they make a car that takes that concept to the next level. What they came up with is another cool-albeit it still quite ugly (why are these cars always so ugly?)--concept of what we might see on the road fifteen or twenty years from now. What I thought was super-cool about the thing was that you can turn your sedan into a truck into a coupe into a whatever. Screw environmentally-friendly, we can use something like that right now. I've got shit in my yard I'd like to haul to the dump and there is only so much rock, bricks, and fallen tree limbs that you can put in the back of a family sedan.

I am a slave of convenience

For some reason, my Chinese pick up was late which absolutely never happens. I've ordered from there like a hundred times and when the lady says, "Fifteen minute," she means, "Fifteen minute." Oftentimes I even show up early (the Chinese place is like a mile away) and my food is usually still ready. But this time it wasn't and so I had to wait which wasn't so bad except that just then the grocery store where I used to buy my groceries walked in, prompting a very uncomfortable conversation. Here's how I best remember it.

Me (as the grocery store took me entirely by surprise when I turned around from the cashier's counter): Whoa! Hey, excuse me, I didn't know....oh, hey, grocery store."

Grocery Store: "Hello. It's been a long time."

Me: "Yeah, I guess, it has been a while."

Grocery Store: "By my guess it's been five years, two months, and eight days since you last came in. You ordered milk, a root beer, and, what was it....oh yes, a Little Debbie Swiss Miss roll."

Me: "Yeah, I like those Little Debbie rolls."

Grocery Store: "So how have you been for the last five years, two months, and eight days?"

Me: "Uhhh, well, we bought a house and--"

Grocery Store: "Good for you! I always heard you talking with my many friendly employees about wanting to buy a house! That's great! So you buy your groceries online now? Over the Internet, I guess?"

Me: "No, umm, actually I live on the other side of town and--"

Grocery Store: "Yeah, I remember one time you were talking to Sharon--you remember her, don't you?--you were telling her about how much you liked the way you could always come in and not worry about waiting in line or not finding what you were looking for--you said I was a "friendly place" and "a nice store to not feel so stressed out when you were buying things". That's what you said. Before you moved to the other side of town, I mean, and stopped frequenting me entirely."

Me: "Actually, just the other day, I was thinking that I needed to see if you still carried those peaches. Nobody has peaches that taste like that. I can't find 'em anywhere. I was even--"

Grocery Store: "It's funny you say that because the store manager, Gary--you remember Gary?--advertised a sale on my peaches for the last two weeks. For some reason, we got in an extra twenty cases of the things. You didn't see that advertisement all over the papers?"

Me: "Well, yeah, I did...maybe that's why I mentioned the peaches. I was just so busy that I didn't get over your way. I did clip the coupon though. I might even have it right here in my wallet! Look--"

Grocery Store: "Smell me. I can tell by your face that you already have. You know what that is? That's over two hundred pounds of fermenting peaches. They should have been tossed in the dumpsters ten days ago but Gary forget to pay the garbage bill again so they didn't pick up last week. On top of that, I have thirty gallons of milk getting ready to go bad as we speak."

Me: "Oh, well, hey, my food is here! It was good seein' yah again though!"

Grocery Store: "Sure. Whatever. By the way, you might wanna go out the back way because I think I saw the video store you used to go to parking in the Handicapped space."

Me: "Thanks. I'll do that. But just for the record, I stopped going there because I have a late charge I don't want to pay...it has nothing to do with convenience."

Grocery Store: "Whatever. Tell it to somebody who gives a damn. Enjoy your Sesame Chicken."

Me: "Thanks. I will. It's better at the other place but, you know, the other place is like another five hundred yards farther away. "

Billy Jack is Back

Honestly, I had never heard of Billy Jack until I started blogging and since then I've seen his name come up repeatedly. The reference to the legendary fake Indian activist surfaces in political blog conversation on more than chance occasions and, apparently, it is an easy way to determine personal viewpoints. To say, "I like Bush," or, "Bush is an idiot," certainly aligns you to some degree on a political line but to say you either liked or disliked Billy Jack will tell people things about you that even John Edwards couldn't fathom. I'm still clueless for the most part but I have at least a better idea after re-visiting BadMovies.Org and discovering The Trial of Billy Jack under the T's. If you have some time and enjoy movies then you must visit Andrew Borntreger's list of worst B movies in existence. Some of the video clips are flat-out hilarious but you will be surprised as to how many movie greats were involved with truly horrendous projects. Hint: Peter Jackson comes up twice as director. I'm only wondering why Son of Kong was not on the site. I can only hope that Andrew will continue to update his movie reviews.

A List Update

Since I've been out of town I haven't had much time to do any research on my Top Ten List which I have now affectionately dubbed: The Most Pointless Thing I Have Ever Done In My Life. That might sound like a fairly empty title but this is from a person who has:

1. Worked every single Puzz 3-D ever made pre-1995
2. Spent two days building a 3-foot tall Eiffel Tower out of two thousand generic Magnetix pieces only to have my son kick it down two seconds later
3. Learned to do over ten Yo-Yo tricks
4. Learned to play Omaha Hi-Lo effectively
5. Logged over a hundred hours trying to figure out what is really up with The Church of Scientology
6. Got hooked on three seasons of The Real World, two seasons of The Osbournes, two seasons of Project Greenlight, two seasons of Survivor, one season of Big Brother, two seasons of American Idol, one season of Fear Factor, one season of The Apprentice, a half a season of Dancing With The Stars, a half a season of Skating With The Stars, five weeks of The Biggest Loser, three weeks of Newlyweds, two weeks of Hell's Kitchen, five days of Deal or No Deal, and the last episode of Joe Millionairre
7. Wrote over ten letters to my local Congressman and four to my State Senators
8. Tried the South Beach Diet: "Bread bad, pig goooooood!" I gained two pounds as my blood sugar plummeted to a very respectable 10 (hey, a perfect score!). Maybe I should call this one of The Most Deadly Things I've Ever Done
9. Created a MySpace account
10. Hit Ryan Adams video. He was right. Hit the link, you'll see

As for my movie list, gone are: Hard To Hold, Joe Dirt, Virtuosity, Hudson Hawk, The Stupids. All for various reasons.

Movies I have failed to categorize as of yet: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Last Rites, Town & Country, Are We There Yet?, She-Devil, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Those Funny Food Critics

I'm back from my business trip to Leesburg, Virginia and I return with the knowledge that even the occasional snooty food critic likes to play a good joke every now and again. If you've never been to Leesburg it is one of those places that grows on an exponential basis. When they put in a new road going anywhere (and I mean anywhere) it is always a four lane with a median because they know that in another year it will be flooded with budding new commerce and strips of ridiculously over-priced townhouses. Leesburg is the type of place where people get their houses appraised every year just because they want to and they don't go out and buy new cars, they order them over the Internet and have them delivered to their homes. Personally, I love to visit the place because I get plenty of interesting restaurant choices. Last year, I went to the Tuscarora Mill and could not have been happier with the food. However, this year I had to dine alone and the Mill really wasn't a place where you felt good about yourself eating alone. So I went online and found a few places but I quickly narrowed it down to Johnson's Charcoal Beef House because it had better reviews than any other restaurant. The Washington Post put it on it's recommended list and the Observer Online had nothing but good things to say. It seemed Johnson's Charcoal Beef House had it all: local flare, small diner appeal, and great food. Plus it was pretty close to the hotel.

The first thing I noticed when I pulled up to the place was that they had actually changed the named to Johnson's Charcoal Beef House & Crab. I didn't really know what to make of taking a name with such local history and sticking "& Crab" to the end of it but I did get an odd feeling in the pit of my stomache. Two minutes later, I entered the establishment and my very first instinct was to leave but I couldn't as every eye in the place was on me. Most of the patrons were over the age of seventy and appeared to still be living through The Great Depression while the others had a look of almost desperation in their eyes. I could tell that a few of the children had been recently crying. Johnson's Beef House had the sort of "local appeal" you can only find in a really bad cult right before they all put on their purple shoes and drink the special lemonade. But as awkward as it would feel to eat there, it would feel even more awkward to leave so I slowly walked up to the bar and took a seat. A few seconds later I was greeted by what appeared to be a hobo just coming off of a good drunk. I learned quickly that he was my waiter as he did all of the waitery stuff by polishing the counter with a greasy rag before handing me a glass of water that had been sitting beside the coffee behind him. I thought that was quite charming as I kindly pushed the water away. The menu was an old plastic menu that somebody had hot-glued inside of a heavily-padded brown binder that I think the hobo pilfered from one of the garbage bins out back. Still, I was optimistic as the worse the place looked the better the food was going to be because what other reason would patrons keep coming to Johnson's when there were literally a hundred new restaurants going up every second? As I looked over the menu I remembered the Chronice critic mentioning that Johnson's signature, or most popular, steak was the porterhouse and so I figured I couldn't go wrong with that choice (in retrospect, I should have paid attention that he--the critic--ordered the "& Crab" and avoided the steak). As I waited for my steak I tried to take in the diner, hoping that maybe I would start to get a feel for it's history and charm. Maybe they would have a picture of some famous person who had dined there in it's rich past or an award from where they might have won some sort of steak grilling competition. But there were no pictures or awards on the walls, there were just guns, guns, and more guns. I started to wonder why a diner would be full of so many guns but just then I noticed an old man in the corner booth eyeballing me over his paper. I didn't like his stare, it was suggestively violent. I turned my eyes from the gun-laden walls and returned them to the task of pretending to read the two-day old copy of the USA Today's Sports section until my steak arrived. A few minutes later I got my steak and I was quite pleased. It looked about as delicious as a steak could look. I quickly took a bite and realized that Johnson's Charcoal Beef House must age their aged beef in an entirely different manner than any other beef house on the planet. You see, where as most slaughter the cow and then age the beef in order to better bring out the tenderness and taste, at Johnson's they age the beef while it is still in the cow! That is not easy to do becuase by my estimation, my porterhouse probably came from a cow that had been roughly sixty three years old when it was slaughtered or "finally taken off of the ventilator," as I like to put it. Getting a cow to live that long is nearly impossible and doing it time in and time out....well, you just never hear of such a thing. After about two bites and a complete lack of any steak sauce to help me get enough courage to take down another mouthful, I packed my steak into a to-go box, paid the hobo, and promptly left. I spent the remainer of the evening laying on my hotel bed as my empty belly grumbled and my brain toiled with ideas on how best to get back at that bastard at the Observer. I haven't thought of anything yet but I have a barely eaten porterhouse in my fridge that is just full of possibilities.

Disappointed and dejected and any other word that means the same thing as those

Usually, The Discovery Channel is honest in it's pursuits (sure it exaggerates but, hey, what network doesn't?) so when it told me that I would finally get to see a live Architeuthis (or Giant Squid, if you would prefer) I got fairly excited. I've watched ten years of specials containing smart people with fancy boats and even fancier subs on quests to catch a glimpse of a giant squid and always in the end, I get to see the same old photos of some small fishing boat showing a slimey old giant squid carcass they pulled out of their fishing net. But this time was different as The Discovery Channel said quite firmly that this was a live giant squid, not the same old dead ones they show all of the time. Long story short, after nearly ten years of waiting I was finally about to get my geek on. I was psyched (so psyched that I almost taped it and I haven't done that since Babylon 5) and eager to see what had never been seen before by man. Instead, what I got was this:




Yes, that is a giant squid and, yes, it is alive. Some Japanese scientist snared it on a hook while some sort of crappy underwater camera snapped pictures of it's struggle every thirty seconds. Eventually the squid rips it's tentacle off and all they get to pull on board is that very same twitchy tentacle (which the narrator proclaims to be alive as if only to toy with my level of intelligence). Did The Discovery Channel really think that would be a satisfying sight? Some grainy still images every thirty seconds and enough giant squid sushi to feed a hundred guests and their spouses? If these Japanese dudes are serious giant squid hunters couldn't they at least get a better camera (like one that records maybe)? And isn't there some sort of law that says you can't hunt giant squid unless you have some sort of submersible vehicle by which to go down and investigate said squid on a face to face basis? However, if your plan is to snare a giant squid, wouldn't it make better sense to put an electronical tag in the hook and have the line break so that you can use the tag to track the squid for a bit (you know, so you can get a layout of it's travel habits) instead of forcing it to rip off it's tentacle? Or you could get a better camera...I know I said that already but, really....I'm beggin' yah....get a better damn camera. Your a Japanese scientiest and plenty of Japanese companies make really good ones so they shouldn't be too damn hard to find. You found the first live giant squid so you obviously have some skill as to finding things....that's all I'm saying.

To The Guy Who Lives In My Yard When I'm Not Home

I gotta be honest, this whole relationship is starting to get a little bit out of control. It used to be I would tolerate your "antics" as those of a bored person walking around in my yard with nothing to do but here lately I am starting to question your motives. I guess I should have brought this up a few years back but I've been reluctant because, well, I figure you are at least better than having a dog because you don't have to feed a stranger who only lives in your yard when your not home (except for that steak I left warming on the grill while I went out to buy more beer. I know you ate that steak!). But, here lately, I am starting to get a sense that I may be "enabling" your behavior through my continuing non-action. For instance, when you filled the emply cat litter bucket in the garage with seventy five pounds of cement, I should have probably said something. You knew that my wife kept that bucket so that she could fill it with dirt in order to plant her new flowers every year. Sure, your heart was in the right place when you played the little trick but you weren't the one who had to feed her in bed for the two days following when she took up the bucket, thinking it was full of breezy summer air and not extremely dense cement. The same thing could be said for when you took all of my practice golf balls and threw them in all of my neighbors' yards; sure it was kinda funny but Mrs. Tanner ran over a scuffed Titleist with her lawnmower and nearly turned Mr. Tanner into an invalid while he was tending his garden (and guess who didn't get any free corn that year by the way? You got it. Me.). My wife wanted me to also point out that your drinking and smoking has gotten completely out of control! Just last Saturday morning as we came back from a nice breakfast at the new Bob Evans, the wife counted no less than twelve beer bottles on the picnic table and an ashtray overflowing with cigarettes. Who drinks twelve beers and smokes a pack of cigarettes before eleven o'clock in the morning? And in less than an hour? I called my brother and he swore he only had two beers when he came over that previous Friday night and he only smoked one cigarette; and I don't even drink beer and everybody knows I stopped smoking last week so the only person it could have been was you. Not that I really care what you do with your free time in our yard while were gone but at least clean up your damn mess! Because you know who gets yelled at? That's right. Me again. But, hey, I probably would have cleaned up your litter had you not committed the single worst crime of any person who lives in a family's yard when they are gone. You stole from me and with that action you have forever broken the strong bond of trust we had spent five years establishing! You can deny it all you want but I know you took the pH Plus and Algaecide I had sitting on the glass table beside the pool. Why would you do such a thing? Why steal from somebody you spent so long trying to earn trust from? Honestly, I don't care. That pH Plus was less than two weeks old and I had a good week left of Algaecide but now I can already see green algae forming in one corner of the kids' side of the pool. That's right, the kids' side! Did you not even think of the children? And my pH is totally going to hell in a hand basket as it is friggin' everywhere on the Test kit (and I'm about out of Phenol Red!) I can only hope the Alkalinity stays above 60 ppm until I can get to the pool store on Monday. I called mom and she swore that my stepdad and herself never used the pH Plus or Algaecide when they thoroughly cleaned the pool the other day and I can believe her because mom wouldn't lie about something like that!

As for a guy that hangs out in your yard when your not home, I guess he is about as dependable as a guy who walks by your yard when your not home. Now, I ask you, how sad is that?

And then there were...uuuuhhhhgggg...66.

What is it about The Piano that people love so friggin' much? Is it Harvey Keitel's penis because, personally, that's an image I would love to pay a few hundred bucks to get burned out of my brain. Your just going along, casually waiting for when this movie starts to make any damn sense, and all of the sudden, Bam!, you got an eyeful of Wolf weiner! Holy..what the...was that...Oh my God...your brain stammers as you try to get your senses to return to some semblance of order. Regardless, after I researched metacritic and imdb The Piano was the first to get a pardon. Here's a list of the rest who were saved from any further persecution:

UHF--Maybe it wasn't that bad but it certainly wasn't worth a 65.
Salem's Lot--I threw this one in there knowing it would immediately be saved. Of course, I could have tossed in any number of King movies (do you remember Maximum Overdrive or, I shudder, Graveyard Shift?).
Jumanji--Ehhh, it wasn't all that bad anyway.
Bram Stoker's Dracula--Horrible movie but it was pretty true to the book. I'm guessing purists saved this one.
Hannibal--Come on, people, this movie sucked!
Planet of the Apes--Proof that if you throw enough money at something people will think that it was pretty good regardless of how bad it truly is.
Mars Attacks!--I kinda liked this one so I was glad to see it off the list.
Meet Joe Black--First viewing, worse movie ever. Second viewing, a fine, fine flick. Timing is everything with this one.
A.I.: Artificial Intelligence--This movie was not very good...and apparently it was not very bad either.
The Four Feathers--Never saw it so I'll abstain from having an opinion.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen--Alright, I don't get it but I don't get a lot of things.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show--I guess kids still need a good reason to dress in drag one time a year.
Pee Wee's Big Adventure--It's a Trifecta! Three cult movies in a row. And all so uniquely different.
Vanilla Sky--What a load pretentious crap! Admit it, this movie made no damn sense! It's like Sixth Sense for intellectuals. I guess Jacob's Ladder was getting a bit too dated.
Natural Born Killers--My brother bought this movie when it first came out and watched it non-stop for ten straight days. Your warned.
April Fools Day--It was a joke? But...how...all those people were quite obviously...oh, forget it. This one gets tossed because of no critic reviews and nobody voting on Imdb. Too obscure and meaningless, I guess.
Simone--Critics hated it but the people saved it (Power to the people!!). I kinda liked it too so, take that you snobs! Now give us our snobby, highly unmarketable movie. Wait. Huh. How the hell did that happen?
The Frighteners--Man, I thought this was a bad movie when I first watched it. I thought the same thing when I watched it again a few years later. No Hobbits, no Nazgul, no One Ring. How is this a good Peter Jackson film?
Waterworld--And a big gun goes down. A potential number one already out. I'm not surprised because I've seen Waterworld and it was no Cinderella Man or Rocky. It had a weak chin despite it's huge budget.
Back To The Future, Part III--Thank you TNT, USA Network, and TBS for brainwashing a nation into thinking this movie is anything better than horrible.
The Godfather, Part III--Alright, it shouldn't have even been here but I couldn't stop myself.
Hook--It was a race to see whose career could fall faster. Winner: Dustin Hoffman. Loser: anybody who watched Hook.

Note To Self: Find A Better Hobby

First things first, I shall pull my final ten list from this cesspool of crap:

Hook, Howard the Duck, Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas, Gymkata, Super Mario Bros, Caddyshack II, Caligula, Jaws IV, The Avengers, Joe’s Apartment, Cutthroat Island, Spice World, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Dumb & Dumberer, Popeye, The Godfather, Part III, It’s Pat, Leonard Part Six, House of the Dead, Gigli, Battlefield Earth, Bloodrayne, Mannequin II: On The Move, Back to the Future Part III, Zaat, Speed II, Godzilla, Joe Dirt, Arthur 2: On The Rocks, Boxing Helena, Waterworld, Hudson Hawk, The Frighteners, Adventures of Pluto Nash, Ishtar, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Superman IV, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Virtuosity, The Last Action Hero, Lost In Space, North, Wild, Wild West, From Justin To Kelly, Simone, Swept Away, Glitter, My Boyfriend’s Back, Drop Dead Fred, Ballistic: Ecks versus Sever, Last Rites, April Fools Day, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Cat In The Hat, Natural Born Killers, Vanilla Sky, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Catwoman, The Four Feathers, A.I.:Artificial Intelligence, Batman and Robin, Heaven’s Gate, Meet Joe Black, Inchon!, The Postman, The Stupids, 3000 Miles To Graceland, Town & Country, Jade, Wing Commander, Baby Geniuses, Judge Dredd, Mars Attacks!, The Gospel, Planet of the Apes, Hannibal, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Jumanji, Hard To Hold, Are We There Yet?, The Piano, She-Devil, Salem’s Lot, Garbage Pail Kids, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Congo, &, last but not least, UHF (because I did a Weird Al reference in a previous blog and this movie paves a whole new avenue of horrid).

My thought is that to do a list of the worst movies of the past thirty years (or round about that) I need to formulate a way as to how to evaluate the really wretched from the absolutely horrid from the just plain crappy. I figure using many critical reviews would be a good way to weed out movies that--while bad--were not really as bad as other, much worse, movies. Love 'em or hate 'em critics watch a helluvalot of movies. Next I should probably get popular opinion since only a movie that is hated by nearly everybody should be considered a top ten worse movie of the last thirty years (I sense Rocky Horror Picture Show getting a quick reprieve here. That sucks.). The other criteria I'll make up I guess.

Why do bad movies suck so badly?

I've often posed that question to myself if for no other reason than to help alleviate--at least somewhat--the constant screaming in my head. I pay eight bucks (not counting the extra ten fifty for snack time pleasures) to watch a highly-advertised movie only to find myself leaving the theatre pondering upon why I didn't spend the money starting up a crack habit instead! I imagine this is why "The Worst Movies," lists are so prevalent on the Internet. You find them everywhere and anywhere and yet I still find myself drawn to the task of creating yet another; if for no other reason than to keep at bay the constant screaming in my head. Below are the list of my references. Tomorrow I shall put forth my fifty finalists of, "Worst Movies of My Lifetime."

Here are the links I shall use as research:

Films considered to be the worst ever according to Wikipedia.

Box Office Bombs. Again, Wikipedia.

IMDB. The Bottom Hundred.

The Stinkers–the 100 Worst Films of the Twentieth Century

Metacritic.com

Roger Ebert. The only critic I halfway agree with (although that's about half of the half of the time).

and four random sites...

Pajiba

Digital Dream Door

Greg Howley

and MaximOnline......because I like their editorial pieces...

UPDATE (7-3-2006): Huh, I wonder why the, "screaming in my head," stuff did not sound so redundant yesterday? Not only does it sound redundant but it also sounds a wee bit disturbed. Oh well, time to up the meds. On another note, I'm adding the Wander List to the resources because I forgot to put it in yesterday.

Doesn't everybody have a racist family member who drinks too much...or is that just me?

Apparently, a lot of people are angry at Mel Gibson...and by a lot I mean a lot! Barbara Walters will never watch another thing that has anything to do with Mel Gibson. Ann Althouse thinks he is worse than O.J. Simpson. Right now, if Mel Gibson walked into any Starbucks on the planet I very much doubt he would walk out with a free cup of coffee.

But, really, how bad is what Mel did when considering he was in a drunken stupor? Isn’t he Australian and aren’t they known for putting on a really mean drunk at times? I’m not making light of what Mel said or did and I’m absolutely not defending the man (I haven’t even watched The Passion of The Christ and nor do I plan on doing so), I’m just saying that maybe we need to put a little perspective on the matter. For instance, when Mel asked one of the deputy’s, "Are you a Jew?" they never go on to say if the deputy was of Jewish faith or not. That’s important since Mel might’ve been merely trying to annoy the deputy by making fun of Jewish people during the entire time of the arrest (angry drunks enjoy doing that). As for Mr. Gibson also stating, "F-ing Jews. ..The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," well that is just the alcohol talking since Mel knows quite well that it was the English--not the Jews--who caused all that trouble in Scotland. He pointed out that very fact in Braveheart, a movie he directed, starred in, and won an Academy Award for Best Picture. Obviously, Mel is a bigot but only when he is totally plowed because the next day he was completely apologetic (something shared by most angry drunk bigots). If Mel had awoke the next day and called over that same deputy and said something like, "Hey, you Jew piece of s–t, I want my f-ing phone call," I would agree with all the "Mel Gibson is an anti-Semitic bastard," stuff going around the news the past couple days. But I think Mel truly tries to love and embrace all races, religions, and creeds: it’s only when he gets drunk that he yearns for a coming Apocalypse which will wipe the world clean of all Jewish people. I know it sounds bad but, really, it isn’t any more annoying than, let’s say, that friend who always likes to start fires when he’s drunk or that buddy who thinks there is nothing better than drinking too much and hitting a stranger across the head with a beer bottle. In the end, you only have three choices: force them to get help, accept that they are never going to change and live with it, or just stop hanging out with them.

Have you cast your vote?

It would seem that David Hasselhoff's video Jump In My Car (which I linked last month) is up for a coveted V.A.N.I.T.Y award in the category of Just Plain Weirdest Video (aka the WTF award). If any video deserves such an honor it has to be The Hoff but the competition is quite stiff. I intended to give The Hoff my vote but seeing that he is holding a commanding 70 percent lead, I threw in a vote for the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah song just because I thought it was cool song (and despite the fact that I don't find the video to be weird at all). Of course, if I were gonna give out an All-Time Just Plain Weird award there is little doubt who would get my vote. Just take a run through his photo page and I'm sure you would have to agree.

You Can't Get an Oscar at Summer Camp

Dakota Fanning is twelve years old and she cries a lot. I mean, in her films at least... she cries a lot. In War of the Worlds she was nonstop screaming and panicking and otherwise stressing me the hell out! In Hide & Seek she was no better (but, I guess I can forgive her since her dad was a schitzed out maniac). She stole the show in Man on Fire but, even then, she had a pretty stressful life (what with all the gettin' kidnapped and all). Long story short, did an obvioulsy stressed-out underage actress really need to get raped by a pedophile in the upcoming Deborah Kampmeier film, Hounddog?

Her mom thinks so because she figures Dakota can garner an Oscar out of the deal, her agent is proud that she did the "child rape" scene despite obvious great discomfort on the part of the extremely young actress. On all of that, I can't have an opinion. All I'm thinking is that Dakota is twelve and, well, after having to go from pretending to get kidnapped to having your dad try to constantly kill you to having aliens try to turn you into a blood Slurpee! maybe having to get raped might be a bit much. But, hey, I'm not a Hollywood mom, agent, or producer so I can't make that call.