I've Been Voodoo Hexed

I lost my third pair of sandals today in less than two months. The latest pair to come undone were barely four weeks old and showed no sign of even the slightest bit of wear or tear. But right there in the parking lot the left one just blew right out on me. I nearly dropped my corn dog as a result of the event. I've asked around and I have yet to find a single person who has lost a single pair of shoes in a similar manner and yet I've already lost three pairs...in less than two months! I've thought about it a lot and I can only come to the conclusion that I have been hexed in some manner of voodoo or possibly witchcraft. Obviously, the person behind the cursing is really not all that good at what they do because if they were I should be covered in boils or have already jumped in front of a moving bus. Instead, I'm walking around with one foot unshod. Still, I'm concerned. Footwear--decent footwear, I mean--isn't all that cheap and I can't keep throwing out five bucks every couple of weeks just because I ticked off some waitress who is one tenth Haitian and likes to dabble in Wiccan lore or some shit. My wife says I just need to stop buying cheap flip-flops from discount stores but she doesn't understand what I'm dealing with here. And, apparently, she forgets that the first pair were actually Birkenstocks; sure they were eight years old and no longer had any cork on their heels but they were Birk's! Only voodoo witchcraft can take out a Birk! No, buying new shoes is definitely not the answer. What I need to do is go on the offensive and bust out a little old school hexing of my own. I'm one sixteenth Cherokee (or Apache maybe?) so I've got a little bit of the ancient spirit swirling around in me (I know, because it really starts to stir when I eat Indian food). First, I need to find out who has cursed my shoes and then it is on! I'm not gonna give away exactly what I'm gonna do to the person but I will say that he or she might want to invest in an umbrella real soon.