The New Way To Make a Great Movie

It seems that over the past many years the new trend to movie-making is to not necessarily make a good movie but rather make a good "buzz" heading into the movie so that you can get enough people watching it by the first weekend that it doesn't matter whether or not the movie is even good or not. Take, for instance, the movie, "Bug." Now this movie might be good, I don't know since I haven't watched it, but I do know that after watching this trailer:




I came away with the clear impression that this might be a really creepy "Bug" movie. Then I saw the reviews. The critics loved it and yet the audience hated it beyond words. Why? Because, apparently, there aren't really all that many bugs in the Bug movie. Instead, Bug is a psychological thriller of another sorts that, obviously by the fact that every critic reviewed it, the critics knew about ahead of time (because critics never review any mainstream horror movie-despite how good or bad). As for the audience, they all saw the same trailer as me and assumed that it was about.....oh, I don't know.....bugs maybe? Sure, they could have marketed the movie for what it was....two crazy people gettin' together in a small room so that they can spend the night gettin' all kindsa crazier but crazy is for Cannes, Bugs opened nationwide...which begs the question once more, "Why?" Why not target an audience of true interest instead of tapping the mainstream horror movie watching crowd (that being the teen to twenty somethings)? I don't know but it isn't the first time it happened.

In Gladiator (yes, I know, it was a huge blockbuster), the trailer showed the main enemy as a man in a gold mask while in the movie the guy in the mask was actually an overweight nothing as the true enemy translated to little more than a crybaby in tights when compared to the overly-testosteronized Maximus character.

In the Matrix sequels the made us believe they were gonna be awesome and yet they sucked. Alright, I guess that's more of a personal issue but still: trailers awesome, movies sucked ass.

I've got many more examples but, for some reason, my movie brain isn't working anymore so I guess I'll leave it for edit later.

Sometimes Even Better And Popular Ain't Enough

So I'm outside tossin' around this weird spongy saw-blade thingy with the kid (it's supposed to be the newest, coolest take on a Frisbree) which causes me to wonder, "Didn't we already solve the whole "what is the best Frisbee" dilemma a few years back?" Currently, we own five different forms of circular throwing things (none of which are made by Frisbee) and they all suck. Sure, they go pretty far on a good toss but I remember something that could easily go twice as far with half the effort. It was a great toy....they even made a really cool Boomerang that always looked like it was heading back to you before it landed on the roof of the neighbor's house. The company's name was Aerobie and their amazing product looked like this:




Aerobie's were on the verge of becoming the numero uno of outdoor disc-throwing thingys as they began to take over the summertime park and yard scenes across America. Somebody even set a world record by chucking on of the things over twelve hundred feet. But, then, as suddenly as they came, they went. I was saving up to buy one (they were quite expensive) when they suddenly disappeared and I believe I bought myself a nice pair of Hammer-style black and white balloon pants instead. I imagine that price was what finally got the best of the Aerobie (unlike poor money management which was Hammer's final downfall) but, really, that seems to never stop Apple from coming back out of the grave every five years or so. I'm hopeful that the same will be said for Aerobie since I really don't enjoy throwing out my arm just to watch a heavy piece of sponge go forty feet and then crash like a plane that suddenly ran out of gas.

I did find Aerobie's website but they don't sell their products directly which is a shame. I guess I'll just have to wait until Apple innovates the flying disc in a couple of years. Sure it'll cost five hundred bucks but it will also automatically download all of your favorite tunes as it zips through the air.

Turkeys Are Poor Swimmers

Well, it only took three weeks to figure out how to get back on this thing! And for what? Because of turkey, for one thing. More specifically, Hormel Natural Choice Oven Roasted Deli Turkey.

I paid an extra buck fifty because this particular turkey contained no preservatives which I figured was worth the money. It even says "Taste the freshness from Hormel Foods....naturally." on the box which was a nice little slogan. When I got home and took a sample taste of my newly purchased healthy turkey I began to suspect that what Hormel called a "fresh taste" was actually what most people would call a "tastes like wet rubber" taste. Oddly, it also smelled like an old tire which, while equally unappealing, did at least tie into the flavor pretty well. Two days later when my bad-tasting, foul-smelling turkey turned almost glow-in-the-dark pink I knew there were more than a few people back at Hormel having a good laugh at my expense. That's when I really read the packaging. It said, "All Natural Ingredients," which lead me to wonder if it was all natural with no preservatives shouldn't the only ingredients be fucking turkey?!? Apparently I don't know a damn thing about natural turkey because natural turkey contains Turbinado sugar, baking soda, and carrageenan (which comes from seaweed). I'm no expert but I don't think that a turkey ever naturally encounters seaweed. What do they do, drown these turkeys in the ocean in order to lock in that oh-so-good natural turkeyness? Personally, I'd rather eat a few preservatives as opposed to eating seaweed turkey again. Now I'm off to try some of my naturally cooked deli ham which contains no seaweed. However it does contain"lactic acid starter culture" which sounds waaaaaay better than eating a nasty ol' preservative.