Cedar Point....Greatest Place To Get Shitty Food

So I've just returned from an extended weekend at Cedar Point, the greatest rollercoaster park in the entire world, and I must say that the press is correct more now than ever before; Cedar Point has many of the best rollercoasters in the world. The Millennium Force is an absolute must ride (although it still can't match the Magnum's view as you whip into the double banked turns) and the Top Thrill Dragster is just....well, there isn't really a good way to explain that damn thing. However, unlike before when you used to have to wait two hours just to ride a coaster, nowadays you can even get on a good one in less than half an hour which leaves a lot of time to grab some grub. Sadly, at Cedar Point "grub" is only slightly better than actually foraging through the woods looking for actual grubs to eat. Mainly, they have hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, and chicken fingers; all served at various different venues about the park and all of equally poor quality. They even had one pizza place that was touted as being "new and improved!" that served food of such poor quality we concluded that it must have previously been a restroom or garbage area before being turned into a restaurant; thus giving it the "new and improved" status.

Later, at the Snoopy Fire-Grilled Burger Place (which served the same horrendous burgers as everyplace else) I tossed a few inedible fries into the river that meanders through a portion of the park. Immediately, the carp by the shore jumped at the fries but all quickly spit them back out. They chose to instead eat their own feces as opposed to sucking down a Cedar Point fry. Personally, I was impressed by their decision at first but then I figured they had probably eaten the fries for many years before they figured out their own shit tasted better.

As for myself, I'll double up on the Happy Meals and maybe pack a bag full of, well, just about any sort of edible shit I can find before my next trip to Cedar Point.

From The Land of Pampered Comes....

This article on Yahoo! Pets: 5 Tips for New Cat Owners . Now, I don't have a problem with giving nice suggestions on what to do when buying a cat but what I find absolutely insane about this useless article is that not one of the five suggestions is even remotely useful to anybody buying a new cat. Let me go through them quickly:

Tip 1. Do your homework. Talk to a vet. Read cat books. Learnnnnnn. Holy horse shit, it's a fucking cat, lady! If it's fluffy and you like fluffy then buy the fluffy fucking kitty!!

Tip 2. Start out with the right equipment. I've owned over fifty cats in my lifetime and I don't even know what that means? Buy a litter box, show the kitty the litter box and it will use the litter box. Buy it a hundred fun toys and scratchy thingys and it will still ruin your couch.

Tip 3. Make your home cat-safe. This is without question the dumbest single statement I think I've ever heard. Cat-safe? I could throw a cat at a drawer of knives and it will somehow jump out unscathed as I would spend the next five days nursing a sore shoulder because I threw a wiley cat at a drawer of knives. So what is cat-safe? According to the article, cat-safe is securing any dangling open wires so that the cat doesn't try to play with them. According to me, if you have danging open wires you might wanna try and get people-safe first and try your hand at buying a cat in a couple of years or so.

Tip 4. Make your home cat-friendly. Alright, I was wrong, this is without question the dumbest single statement I think I've ever heard.

Tip 5. Remember--your cat is not a dog. Yes, that's right, despite your every desire to buy dog food for your cat or, I don't know, teach it to fetch shit, it's still a cat. And if you honestly thought that your cat might be a dog then, well, you could possibly be more mentally out of whack than the person who wrote this article....although I greatly doubt it.

In The Land of What The Hell Is It?

According to the 2012 London Olympic committee that is the logo that will inspire everyone to become more involved and truly unite the world. According to just about everybody else, it's pretty much about the ugliest damn logo they've ever seen. Even more to the point, according to this Sporting News article the animated version of the "modern, world-inspiring" logo may also cause some people to have seizures which I guess does suggest that the logo does inspire some people to immediately get involved; although it is less in a volunteer capacity and more in a flailing about the floor while trying to swallow their tongues endeavor. Still, that is more than previous Olympic logos can say for themselves. The website is also quick to point out that the logo is an evolving creature and will certainly change by the time the 2012 Olympics come to London. Even with such a long time line I still doubt that they will get very many people to embrace the new logo although I feel confident that they will cut down on it's seizure-inducement. At the very least they can figure out the best place to stick a warning label on it.

The Next Great Invention

Funny thing, great inventions. The Post-It Note came about as a result of bad glue while the airplane came about as a result of many, many years of trial and error. The paper clip, oddly, was never invented by anybody despite it's great usefulness while the coat or clothes hanger is claimed to be the mind's product of President Thomas Jefferson, the same man who invented our very Constitution. Inventions, it would seem, are very fickle beasts that somehow have the ability to crop up from everywhere and nowhere at once. So when you find one you should take hold of it because there is a good chance it might have already been invented and improperly marketed or, even worse, marketed properly but been improperly invented. I know you are confused but I'm working hard on inventing something that makes you less confused while reading this blog. Your donations are appreciated.

Onto my invention. It's simple really. I had some free time and needed to do some sit down colon-related business. I was in the mood to discuss but I was not in a "discussion" setting since I was otherwise detained by the colon-related business. That's when I thought, "You know, a talking toilet would be sorta nice about now." Quickly, I realized that such a thing wasn't plausible but then I thought, "A toilet that said something every now and again...that would kinda be funny...wouldn't it?" And from that thought sprung my invention. A talking toilet! It says random things but only rarely so as to not make itself mundane or expected and it says many things so repetitive is not an issue. Really, I didn't give it a lot of major thought but the few seconds I did think about it I feel quite confident in saying that I think that the Talking Toilet will change peoples lives.

It's the next Post-It Note. But without all of that nasty non-sticky glue.