A Three Year Old's Tips On What To Expect When Trapped In A Cave With A Bunch of Monsters

Now some might question whether or not a three year old should be watching The Descent, one of the scarier movies to come out in recent months, but to those people I say, "I'll fuck up my kid the way I want, you fuck up your kid the way you want." Besides, I warned him ahead of time that it was a scary movie but he refused to leave the room. His fault. Not that I thought he couldn't handle a scary movie because this is the same kid that watched Alien vs. Predator when he was two although he did leave halfway through because he said it was "silly" (I didn't ask why but he was mumbling something about how two kinds of monsters in the same movie was stupid. He thinks silly and stupid are the same word and interchanges them often.). As for his opinion of The Descent, I must say that he did have some solid tips for anybody who might be trapped in a pitch black cave with a bunch of "Tiger monsters" as my son called them. Actually, to me, they looked more like demon-vampires but I don't watch as many scary movies as my son. Anyway, according to a three year old, here are few good tips to follow when trapped in a cave with a bunch of monsters.

Tip #1. When you have successfully killed one or two monsters be ready to expect a bunch more monsters.

Three year old: That's not all the monsters.
Me: How do you know? You just came in here.
Three year old: Because there are always bunches of monsters in caves, silly daddy.
Twenty seconds later, ten more monsters appear from nowhere
Three year old: See, I told you so.

Tip #2. When you kill a monster and it falls in a large body of water and then you fall into that body of water next to the dead, floating monster....chances are, you haven't killed the monster.

Three year old: That monsters pretendin' to be sleepin'.
Me: Oh, you think--[I nearly scream as the monster suddenly grabs the girl around the neck]
Three year old: I told you that monster was pretendin to be sleepin. That monster is silly.

Tip #3. Always be on the lookout for large pools of blood.

Three year old: Did she just fall in a pool of blood?
Me: Yes, I believe she did indeed fall in a pool of blood.
Three year old: Pools of blood are gross! Me and mommy think pools of blood are gross!
I didn't ask him to elaborate on that one.

Tip#4. Expect cave monsters to be suffering from some sort of respiratory infection.

Three year old: That Tiger monster is pretty snotty. I think he has a cold.
Me: You said the same thing about the monsters in The Cave movie we watched last week.
Three year old: I know, that monster had a cold too. Cave monsters have lotsa colds all of the time.

And, finally, Tip #5. If you go into a cave then your stupid because everybody knows all caves have monsters....and spiders.

Three year old: I'm done watchin' this stupid cave monster movie.
Me: Why?
Three year old: Because I just am. This movie is stupid.
Me: Really? Well, just so you know, Peter Travers gave this a really good review. I just think your scared.
Three year old: I'm not scared! But I just don't want to watch it anymore. I don't like silly cave monster movies.
Me: Well, your gonna miss the surprise ending.
Three year old: I don't care. I don't like this movie. It's stupid.
Me: So you've mentioned. Maybe your just prejudice against cave monsters. I think we need to go visit some caves tomorrow.
Three year old: No, I don't go in caves!
Me: Really...why is that?
Three year old: Because caves have cave monsters, stupid daddy!
Me: Yup, just like I thought. Your prejudice against cave monsters.
[Long pause]
Three year old, almost whispering: And spiders.

No More For Gore

According to a Reuters article I found in the Huffington Post, Al Gore will definitely not run for President in 2008. Instead, he will continue his popular campaign of trying to get the United States to lead the campaign to end our world's current climate crisis. Now while I do think that this whole climate crisis thing is a bit debatable (much like nuclear power, lead in gasoline, and recycling every fucking thing we can get our hands on) where I fundamentally disagree with Mr. Gore on this issue is that it definitely should not be the United States leading the way towards lowering global CO2 emissions. Mr. Gore says that we should lead the cause because we are the ones causing most of the problem (we currently produce 20 metric tons of CO2 emissions per capita) but I must ask: Do we ask the crack addicts or the heroine junkies to solve the drug problem? If somebody gets shot in a drive-by do we tell them that it is their job to stop street violence? No, we do not because they are the victims much like America is the victim of it's heavy dependence on fossil fuels and other CO2 causing dependencies. Hell, per capita-wise Canadians use fossil fuels nearly as much as Americans and yet they are constantly heralded as a nearly Utopian society--kinda like France but with at least a semblance of an sense of humor. Yet Canadians are never discussed in the global environment picture (hell, Canadians are never discussed period) and yet they are doin' the same shit Americans are doin' except maybe only on the weekends or when their buddies from college decide to stop by and crash for a few days. Yeah, sure, we might be sellin' a bit on the side to the little guys but we have over 5,000 airports to support! We gotta sell the shit just to keep the two-thirds of the airline industries that aren't profitable from going bankrupt! Of course, even if an airline does go bankrupt, the government just jumps in and gives it special status until it gets back on its feet! Oh yeah, we got a problem, we got a big problem, but we are supposed to be the ones to fix it? Yeah right. Now that I think about it, we don't have a problem at all...we're just under a lot of pressure. It's tough being a world leader.

Now if you will excuse me I'm off to the local 24-hour grocery store (its only four miles away) because I feel the need for a Slim Jim and a bag of Bar-B-Q Frito Twists coming on.

The Church of Ultimate Peace.....and Prosperity

Alright, I'll be the first to admit that I think Scientology is on the very fringe of kooky religions but sometimes I gotta give props when props are due. Take this quote of Ute Kiessel, a spokesman for Scientology, during the recent opening of their big ass building...err, I mean Church...in downtown Berlin, Germany. Mr. Kiessel outlined the Church's "Big Picture" plan by saying:

"The aims of Scientology include a civilization without war, without criminality and without insanity, where honest people have rights."

By stating the Church's goals so plainly, Mr. Kiessel quite effectively distinguished Scientology from all of the pro-war, pro-criminal, pro-insanity, anti-honesty religions out there. I mean, its right there on the packaging now...unlike Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Muslim(ism?), and even Atheism; all of which get bogged down with these hard to grasp "afterlife" concepts (or non-concept when the Atheists are concerned). Usually I disregard anything that comes out of the mouth of the Church of Scientology but now they have my attention because, well, I'm a huge Star Trek fan. Sure, Scientologists have yet to make a battle plan to thwart the Romulans and Klingons but it sounds like they are gonna attack "insane" people pretty aggressively which is nice (just think, no more crazy hobo on a bike bugging you when you buy gas at the nearby gas station!). Still, I do have one major concern and that is why go after Germany so aggressively? I mean, doesn't the Church have a good thing in the heartland of super-rich people who skipped their SAT's in order to appear on an episode of General Hospital? The German government doesn't even recognize Scientology as a religion and yet the Church has spent untold millions of dollars actively trying to recruit...I mean enlighten...the country. Still, I don't remember a single German character on Star Trek....ever. Is there something in Germany's past which might lead The Church of Scientology to think that they would be excellent recruits...er, I mean, members?

Something.....something.....

"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it."

--Adolf Hitler

Ahhh....Those Were The Days

Being a child of the eighties, I grew up in the real golden years of women's liberation and, to me, nothing expressed that movement more than this pink can:


That's Tab, baby! The First Lady of diet drinks. When all other beverages cowered to the male-dominated world, Tab strutted her stuff in a bright pink can that said, "I don't need no man to be happy! Am I right ladies? Am I right?" In the sixties, when Tab was introduced, no other beverage dared to be so brazenly pro-woman but by the eighties Tab was the Queen Diva of the social scene. Girls would huddle together at the local skating rink, outwardly sipping their Tab's while laughing at the boys and primping their roller skate Pom-Poms. I remember when my mom started drinking Tab; I remember because it wasn't too long after that when she divorced my dad. To me, a youth of eleven, Tab was only below a box of tampons on the list of things that made me feel both extremely uncomfortable and greatly curious at the same time.

Sadly, during the nineties, women abandoned Tab as they embraced independence by other means, mainly by becoming more active in politics and starting day time talk shows. Soon Tab was less of a memory than Jordache jeans, Aqua Net Super Hold hair spray, and, sadly, C. Thomas Howell. That was until February 2006, when a new beverage started hitting the streets.

Maybe you've seen this slick little can in the store shelves. It's Tab Energy and, just like Tab, it's just for the ladies. But don't get confused, this is not your momma's Tab! The ingredients for Tab Energy read like a voodoo witches grocery list. Sure, Dr. Pepper has 23 ingredients but Tab Energy contains Guarana, a shrub found in Brazil, and Carnitine, which is a quaternary ammonium compound for those who might not already know. The can doesn't say whether the quaternary ammonium compound is the secret to the drinks "Jolly Rancher" like flavor but I'm guessing that the answer might be a solid, "mayyyybeeee." So what do the ladies think of the new heiress apparent to the "ladies only" Tab franchise?



One need not look far to find the answer to that question:

Tab Energy is Fergalicious!

From The Land of Ultimate Convenience

Comes this delightful AP story on Yahoo! Finance about the horrible inconvenience of having to take off your shoes as you pass through the airport metal detector. Apparently there is nothing worse than having to go through the cumbersome task of taking off your shoes, putting them on a conveyor belt and then putting your shoes back on once they come out the other side. Luckily, as the article explains, certain oh-so-lucky people will no longer have to go through such a burden whenever they board a plane. Instead, for a minimal one hundred dollar fee they can step on a special scanner that checks their irises and fingerprints to confirm their identity, checks their fingers for remnants of bomb-making materials, and also checks their shoes for actual bombs. As of yet, there are no plans to add an anal probe to the scanner.

Of course, now here is my idea, how about instead we all go out and buy some nice comfortable slip-on shoes instead of...you know, giving away another big hunk of our personal freedom? We could even practice kicking them up onto the scanner on one side and jumping into them when they come out the other side. Or better yet, why don't they just shoot us through the scanner with our shoes still on our feet? That way when some terrorist figures out another way to get a bomb on a plane we will already be covered. Then again, I guess we could give this hundred dollar, fingerprint, eyeball, bomb residue shoe scanner a little more time. Hey, and if you lose a foot or something, they might even give you fifty bucks back!

23....Really? But I Still Just Taste The One

I've always been fascinated with advertising campaigns: the successful ones, the unsuccessful ones, and the just plain peculiar ones (can you say Mentos?). But sometimes I just gotta scratch my head and ask, "Uh, what's the point?" Take, for instance, Dr. Pepper's recent massive ad campaign heralding the popular beverage as having "23 unique flavors." Now I've never been a big Dr. Pepper fan but I do know that it has always had one flavor and that flavor was Mr. Pibb flavor. When, suddenly, did Dr. Pepper become a complicated blend of 23 flavors? It doesn't even have 23 ingredients and sometimes those ingredients change (sugar or corn syrup) depending on where it gets distributed from! Even ballsier than that, is that the actual flavor of Dr. Pepper is exactly the same as it has been for the last one hundred years...it's just now it is a perfect blend of 23 unique flavors! Hey, at least Coke said it's suddenly unique flavor was because it was New Coke....which everybody hated of course and prompted the return of Coke Classic (which actually was a Newer Coke but...you get my point). Obviously, Dr. Pepper is just making this shit up but I must wonder, "Why 23?" Why not..I don't know...42? Or 3 cubed plus 2? Is there something about the idea of 23 separate flavors that is subconsciously appealing to the average soda drinker? Who knows although I do think that Mr. Pibb should start a "mediocre second place soda war" with a counter-campaign; maybe they could do a, "Drink Pibb: It tastes the same and we do it with just the one flavor. Pibb flavor," or, "Choose Mr. Pibb...because we heard that one of their flavors was boiled beef balls." Regardless, I hope Dr. Pepper great success in their expensive campaign although I do fear that if it is successful Hardee's and Carl Jr's might come out with a 23-flavored slop burger...as if watching people eat that revolting chili burger wasn't bad enough.

UPDATE: 1/5/2007--So it seems that Dr. Pepper actually started out as having 23 fountain flavors which explains the 23. However, that fact still doesn't make me wanna start drinkin Dr. Pepper. A funny note though, when Mr. Pibb changed it's name to Pibb Xtra I did go out and buy some just to see what that "Xtra" was all about. I discovered it didn't taste all that different than regular ol' Mr. Pibb but I did have two people ask me what the "Xtra" was while I was drinking it which was nice (so I guess the Xtra might be the added attention you get while drinking your new Pibb).