A Three Year Old's Tips On What To Expect When Trapped In A Cave With A Bunch of Monsters

Now some might question whether or not a three year old should be watching The Descent, one of the scarier movies to come out in recent months, but to those people I say, "I'll fuck up my kid the way I want, you fuck up your kid the way you want." Besides, I warned him ahead of time that it was a scary movie but he refused to leave the room. His fault. Not that I thought he couldn't handle a scary movie because this is the same kid that watched Alien vs. Predator when he was two although he did leave halfway through because he said it was "silly" (I didn't ask why but he was mumbling something about how two kinds of monsters in the same movie was stupid. He thinks silly and stupid are the same word and interchanges them often.). As for his opinion of The Descent, I must say that he did have some solid tips for anybody who might be trapped in a pitch black cave with a bunch of "Tiger monsters" as my son called them. Actually, to me, they looked more like demon-vampires but I don't watch as many scary movies as my son. Anyway, according to a three year old, here are few good tips to follow when trapped in a cave with a bunch of monsters.

Tip #1. When you have successfully killed one or two monsters be ready to expect a bunch more monsters.

Three year old: That's not all the monsters.
Me: How do you know? You just came in here.
Three year old: Because there are always bunches of monsters in caves, silly daddy.
Twenty seconds later, ten more monsters appear from nowhere
Three year old: See, I told you so.

Tip #2. When you kill a monster and it falls in a large body of water and then you fall into that body of water next to the dead, floating monster....chances are, you haven't killed the monster.

Three year old: That monsters pretendin' to be sleepin'.
Me: Oh, you think--[I nearly scream as the monster suddenly grabs the girl around the neck]
Three year old: I told you that monster was pretendin to be sleepin. That monster is silly.

Tip #3. Always be on the lookout for large pools of blood.

Three year old: Did she just fall in a pool of blood?
Me: Yes, I believe she did indeed fall in a pool of blood.
Three year old: Pools of blood are gross! Me and mommy think pools of blood are gross!
I didn't ask him to elaborate on that one.

Tip#4. Expect cave monsters to be suffering from some sort of respiratory infection.

Three year old: That Tiger monster is pretty snotty. I think he has a cold.
Me: You said the same thing about the monsters in The Cave movie we watched last week.
Three year old: I know, that monster had a cold too. Cave monsters have lotsa colds all of the time.

And, finally, Tip #5. If you go into a cave then your stupid because everybody knows all caves have monsters....and spiders.

Three year old: I'm done watchin' this stupid cave monster movie.
Me: Why?
Three year old: Because I just am. This movie is stupid.
Me: Really? Well, just so you know, Peter Travers gave this a really good review. I just think your scared.
Three year old: I'm not scared! But I just don't want to watch it anymore. I don't like silly cave monster movies.
Me: Well, your gonna miss the surprise ending.
Three year old: I don't care. I don't like this movie. It's stupid.
Me: So you've mentioned. Maybe your just prejudice against cave monsters. I think we need to go visit some caves tomorrow.
Three year old: No, I don't go in caves!
Me: Really...why is that?
Three year old: Because caves have cave monsters, stupid daddy!
Me: Yup, just like I thought. Your prejudice against cave monsters.
[Long pause]
Three year old, almost whispering: And spiders.