It's Amazing What People Perceive As Important

Apparently, this whole "election" buzz is all that people are thinking about right now while serious issues--things that actually effect our daily lives--continue to go ignored. Take, for instance, Burger King's recent partnership with the soon-to-be-released Happy Feet movie. On the surface, this would appear to be a rather harmless endeavor. Much to my great pain, I soon discovered that this pairing was anything but harmless as I purchased my three year old son a Happy Meal from Burger King. A Happy Meal containing an innocent little penguin toy called Heartsong Gloria. "What is it? What is it?" my son exclaimed as I chucked the toy back at him, remarking, "I don't know...it looks like some kind of penguin," as I pulled into the nearby gas station to purchase more milk (always more fucking milk!). When I returned to the car (the car I parked next to the gas station entrance and locked fully) my son chirped over and over again, "It's another whistle daddy! It's another whistle!" to which I answered, "Oh, great, another whistle." It would seem that the recent trend in Happy Meals is whistles of all varying types: Superman whistles, Duck whistles, every fucking type of whistle you can think of. But this whistle was differend and I should have known it was different when my son said, "Listen, daddy, but hold your ears first!" Instead, I ignored my son as I pulled onto the open highway. I reiterate, I ignored a three-year old, a seasoned veteran of whistles of all shapes and types, who went out of his way to tell me to hold my ears before he took to blowing his whistle.

Next, I can only remember an explosion in my brain as I immediately went blind, causing the car to speed out of control and--since I had been delaying getting the wheels re-aligned--probably straight towards the large granite median. Thankfully, the shrilling pain in my head stopped just in time for me to regain control of the vehicle although it took a great deal of panicked blinking before my eyesight completely returned. "I ran out of air," my son said as he added, "But that's a good whistle isn't it?" I never replied as I passed a dog convulsing on the off-ramp. As I pulled onto the road towards my house I had to steer around two dead alley cats and an owl that was leaning against my fence as if in a drunken stupor. The ringing in my ears continued as I parked the car, let my son out of the back seat and calmly told him, "Now hurry up and go show mommy your whistle."

Thankfully, Burger King has eleven more of these delightful toys for my son to collect.

My Christmas List

With Christmas fast approaching I figure now would be a good time to compose my list for Santa (because I'm a fucking shoe-in for "Nice" this year). First, I headed over to the single greatest place to mark off all of those must-have items for the yuletide....you probably already guessed where I'm talking about. That's right, ThinkGeek.com, the greatest toy store on Earth. Alright, to be honest, I already own most of the good stuff like the Curiously Strong Magnets (I saw those on an episode of MythBusters and just had to have them. Besides I have a job and if Santa really wanted my business he'd come around a little more often) and I've got like five different laser pens of various colors (the blue is the coolest). As for the ColdHeat soldering device, the bending butane lighter, the USB storage pen, the PowerSquid, and the Acrobot, got it, got it, got it, got it, and....well, I decided I didn't want it. I don't have this awesome watch though.
Sure its pretty sleek looking but what is really cool is that baby tells time in binary! How awesome is that? If they had cool shit like that when I was in high school I would have probably gotten my picture in the Senior Yearbook! Hell, I might have even went out on a date! Regardless, that baby is as good as mine. Next is something I've wanted for years.



A tiny RC helicopter. It's like an annoying little bug that only I can control! Whuh-hahah-hahaha! One day I shall learn to operate a thousand tiny RC helicopters and then I will begin my quest of stopping Tom and Katie from taking over the world so that I, and I alone, can take over the world (the wife really isn't into that sort of stuff but she does tolerate my hobbies).

Once that happens I'll probably ask for a pair of these sweet boxers for Christmas....


....of course, then I'll probably be on Santa's "Naughty" list but I won't care because I'll rule the world which means Santa will be my little bitch!

Once, long ago, I read this poem.....

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

'Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!'

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

'And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

....after that, I got totally hooked on fantasy shit. I've read it over and over and yet I can't find a subliminal message in it anywhere. Odd that something so insane can effect a person so greatly. To this day I can still see the child wielding that great vorpal blade and downing that deadly Jabberwock!

They even did a Ghostbusters cartoon of the Jabberwocky a long time ago although it was slightly less memorable but to it's credit I do still remember the episode (but, then again, the poem did touch me so).