The Pains of Life

The one thing I've discovered as you grow older is that life likes to occasionally deal you out some serious pain just to make sure your still paying attention. Sometimes it hits you early, with a nasty earache at the age of six or a broken collar bone at the age of ten, but mostly it just comes as a product of time, like taste comes to finely aged wine. For me, I thought a nasty ear or toothache was the worst pain ever until I went to college and got my nose shattered playing racquetball. That sucked. Then, after college, I wrenched my back out and cried for a bit until it finally reset itself and I was good, fairly pain-free, for a few years until I got a kidney stone. A kidney stone, for any who might not know, is akin to having a small tornado placed on your intestines where it just sits and spins for what feels like forever. Kidney stones, I'm certain, actually have the ability to stop time itself. Ask a woman who gave birth to a child and also passed a kidney stone which was worse and I'm certain she would say that she would have gladly given birth to the kid sideways as opposed to passing a kidney stone. Long story short, I thought the stone was the worst pain I had in my life until I stopped by to see my dad today (a man of tough pedigree and a survivor of no less than three kidney stones) to discuss sports and general chit chat. He appeared gravely ill despite still being at work. He had his foot propped on his desk. He had gout in his foot. I didn't have a clue as to what gout was although I did associate it with World War II for some reason. I asked dad how bad it hurt and he replied with great conviction,

"Well, I tried to find some twelve guage shells to shoot off my foot a couple of nights ago."

"That doesn't answer my question," I told him. "All I want to know is if it is more painful than kidney stones?"

"Right now, I'd take a kidney stone over this," he answered after little thought.

Not liking his answer, I quickly turned the conversation to sports and general chit chat for the next half hour. Dad didn't seem to be into talking that much so I had to support most of the conversation but it was still good as it kept my mind off the idea that I might have to one day deal with another, even more painful, life pain.