Verizon Help Desk

You know when you have to call customer service your day is probably going to start heading downhill pretty quickly. And when the customer service belongs to the telephone company "pretty quickly" is probably an understatement. Still, when you have a phone line draped across your driveway, through your neighbors yard, and another fifty yards down the street, you pretty much have to call somebody. For me, the first call was to call the owners of the line that was draped across my driveway. Fortunately for me, I got to talk with Mrs. Ham, probably the best customer service person I have ever spoken with in my life.The conversation went something like this:

Mrs. Ham: Hello? How can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I've got a phone line laying across my driveway. I think it fell off the pole.

Mrs. Ham: You say your phone line is down?

Me (as I stand beside the line surveying the large cable on the ground): Oh, yes, it is most definitely down.

Mrs. Ham: Alright, sir, we'll have a truck there on Monday to take care of that for you.

It was Friday when I called

Me, sounding rather shocked: Um, well, that just won't do. I've got to get out of my driveway and I don't know if this thing is even live or not!

Mrs. Ham, sounding quite confident: Sir, I can assure you that nine times out of ten them lines ain't live.

Me, still sounding shocked: Nine times out of ten? Well, that's not very good! I've got a four year old kid! I can't have this thing laying in my yard all weekend!

Mrs. Ham, still sounding confident: Sir, hold on and let me speak to my manager.

During the wait, I took the time to walk down the street to the end of the line. Farther down the road I could see the nice new garbage truck. The nice new extremely tall garbage truck.

Mrs. Ham: Sir?

Me: Yeah.

Mrs. Ham: Sir, I talked with my manager and he is almost absolutely sure that ain't no live wire but he thinks we might be able to get a truck there tomorrow.

Me, getting frustrated: Look, I don't think you understand the situation here. Something has ripped this line off of the pole and now it is laying across driveways, and yards, and the road. Somebody needs to look at this today! What am I supposed to tell my neighbors when they come home? That this thing is almost absolutely safe?

Mrs. Ham, getting equally frustrated: Sir, like I said most of the time them lines ain't live and we'll have somebody out there to take care of it tomorrow!

Me: Fine but I'm calling 911.

Mrs. Ham, really startin' to steam: Now hold on there sir! You don't need to do that! Mrs. Ham is takin' care of this!

Me, starting to become confused: Well, I still don't think you understand the situation here.

Mrs Ham: Alright, sir, explain the situation again.

Me: There is a phone line, a very large phone line, laying across my driveway, my neighbor's driveway, his yard, and the street across which I and all my other neighbors travel. Previous to today, the line was quite securely attached to two telephone poles.

Mrs. Ham, sounding suspicious: Sir, are you talking to me on your phone right now?


Me: How can I be doing that when the phone line is no longer attached to itself? Its laying on the ground in front of me. It looks very much like a vehicle has come along and it got hung on it and the vehicle ripped it out.

Mrs. Ham, acting befuddled: Sir, don't you think if somebody ripped out a phone line they would call us and let us know about it?

Me: Well, I don't know but....

Mrs. Ham, interrupting me: Look, sir, I understand the situation and I've spoken with my manager. Mrs. Ham is gonna take care of this quicker than you can think! You don't have to worry about it. Mrs. Ham gonna have somebody come out there first thing tomorrow.

Me: That's fine but I'm almost absolutely sure I'm gonna go ahead and call 911.

Then I hung up the phone.

To Mrs. Ham's credit, the phone company was there in less than a half an hour. Nobody ever came from 911.