A Solid Conspiracy Theory

So I was digging through old emails today when I discovered a real gem of a conspiracy theory that I wrote back in June of 1998. Here is a clip from the grand conspiracy:

First, Mexico can't buy any of our good stuff unless we loan them the money beforehand and they can't pay back any of the loans because nobody wants to buy any of that worthless crap they have to sell and, as for Canada, they pay for everything with Canadian quarters which as you all know aren't worth but seven-tenths of an actual quarter. So we are running up our debt by loaning money to Mexico while Canada floods our market with under-valued currency. But still even if thatis true, they must have a motive for doing all of this. Well, trust me,they have a motive--a very big motive.

Let me ask you, when is the last time you have seen anything about Mexico or Canado on TV? We have natural disasters all of the time but you never hear about even so much as a dog dying in our border countries. Hell, who knows what is happening in either of these countries. Nobody vacations there, nobody knows anybody who lives there, and all of the stuff we want from there we already have right here--Canadian bacon and Mexican beer. I believe that they are stockpiling resources for the final takeover. I believe that suddenly-- probably around a holiday--a wave of illegals will rise up from the south, riding tripped out El Camino's and playing bad salsa music while at the same time a band of French speaking loggers and hockey nuts grumble out of the north on snow blowers and massive ice-making machines. With our borders down and our money powerless, we will be forced to wave the white flag. One side will turn our southern states into Hispanic havens as Americans are loaded onto Wal-Mart rafts, twenty to a boat, and sent off in the general direction of the horizon while the other side will freeze over our many wonderful football stadiums to create massive ice skating rinks. The Statue of Liberty will be dressed ina plaid shirt and corduroy pants and her torch will be removed in favor of a forkful of syrupy flapjacks. Those few of us who survive the onslaught will be herded into the central states where we will be forced to work on cactus and dirt farms in order to make cheap Mexican tequila and repulsively bland Canadian food. Our average yearly salary will be thirty pesos, a piece of stale pita bread, and eight Canadian pennies. Trust me, friends, it isn't a matter of what if, it is only a matter of when. ---The Bard, June 25, 1998.

From this, two things are obvious to me. The first is that I had a lot of pent up rage in 1998 and the second is I am wise beyond my years. As far as conspiracy theories go that was a pretty good one as we are currently in a bedlam down south. However, I should point out the truth of the matter is that this was a satire of NAFTA passing at the time and only meant as entertainment. Canadians invading America, that's preposterous!

Because we all know that Canada doesn't want anything to do with our mainland, it's too damn hot. No, Canadians have their eyes on Alaska and then, if things go well, they are gonna take the North Pole. That's right, the Canadians want Santa Claus all for their very own!

You just wait and see if I'm wrong.

UPDATE (7-19-2006): Apparently, as well as devising conspiracy theories in 1998 I also thought the country on our northern border was called Canado. Oh well, at least I spelled Mexica right.