Used Underwear

That's what I type into Ebay's search bar every day. I type that because I know once it gets to the point that somebody will try to sell their used underwear on Ebay, America is doomed. Christians speak of things like plague and massive natural disasters as signs of the coming Apocalypse which could be correct. But for me the first sign of the end is when people start swapping their used under garments on Ebay. After that, America's reign on Earth is all but done; whether or not that is an Apocalypse, I don't know. Regardless, I think that it would be prudent to devise some sort of code system similar to the one our keen President created in order to let us know the liklihood of some Hamas crazies--all hopped up on Jihad talk--exploding their giblets in our face that day. Of course, our President's system was flawed in that he couldn't find a nut even if he planted a peanut tree up his ass. My system will be much more sound as it will be based on Ebay, the coursing main vein of American life. As an intial rough draft I think my codes will be as follows, going from the lowest level of caution to the highest:

Code Red, White, & Blue: No worries, life will continue to prosper and be grand in the land of freedom!

Code Teflon: Still no worries but according to Ebay, things are not exactly perfect.

Code Black: Not the worst, but we could be better. All in all we are in good shape.

Code Slightly Off-White: Not exactly spectacular but not horrible either. Still, you might wanna update the Will and possibly scratch a "lifelong dream" sorta thing off of your list within the next few months....just to be safe of course.

Code Plaid: Worse than off-white but not much so. Think, "cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms", and you have right around the proper attitude for a Plaid day.

Code Bluetick: Be extremely cautious. You might even consider staying home or calling in sick because this is not going to be a good day.

Code Clear-coated: Uh-oh. Be on the look out for anything suspicious. If you can possibly kill it then it would be pertinent to do so..and quickly! Otherwise, always look up and at odd angles. We've all seen enough Japanese ninja films and campy B-horror movies to know that the really bad shit comes at your ass from odd angles!

Code Brown Peel Out: WE ARE IN IT. BUCKLE DOWN AND KEEP HOLD OF SOMETHING! THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE BAD FUCKING DAY! NOW PRAY FOR YOUR ASS! I SAID PRAY, MOTHERFUCKER!


UPDATE (7-18-2006): Understanding that this was a BETA version of my code system and the criteria may need to change, I'm going to go ahead and change it now because there appears to be a couple of nasty asses who will gladly purchase your used underwear on Ebay all the damn day long! It is apparent that I need some sort of freak threshhold or possibly a pervert variant counter measure or some shit.