A Tribute to Mr. Freeze

Of all the villains in all of the movies since the beginning of movidedom, I’m convinced that none were worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s version of Mr. Freeze in the dreadful Batman & Robin, circa 1997. But don’t blame Arnie (although he did little to help the character) because nobody, and I mean nobody, could have pulled this guy off. As proof I offer you a nice little compilation of Mr. Freeze highlights I pulled directly from the movie script (which also proves that you can find any piece of worthless shit on the Internet).

Mr. Freeze opens with this line: "The Iceman Cometh." This line, spoken only to the audience, lets the viewer know that this guy is only gonna say stupid one liners with "cold-themed" punch lines for the rest of the movie. As if to further pound that point home, his next line is, "I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."

Now here is the very next line: " In this universe, there is only one absolute. Everything...[wait for it...waaaaiiittttt for it].....freezes!" Friggin’ awesome line there...especially with the dramatic pause. From there I’m just gonna throw you a few stand alone, one-liners which need no further comment. These gems are as precious as the diamonds Freezie uses to fuel his super-idiotic suit.

"Bat on ice, anyone?"

"You're not sending me to the cooler."

"Cop-suey." Alright, no cold references but I gotta give you what was written in this fabulous script to cause Freeze to justify saying something so eloquent as cop-suey.

From script: FREEZE is racing towards the altar and his fallen gun. SIX GUARDS rush in through a side door and swarm the unarmed Freeze. Mistake. Freeze begins wailing on the Guards. It's a straight display of fisticuffs executed with unbelievable speed and precision, hooks, jabs, upper and lower cuts all perfectly delivered, felling the assault force.

"Cop-suey indeed," I say. Cop-suey to readable fucking sentences. A few more one-liners, all again in exact order of appearance.

"Caution. Bridge may ice over"

"What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age."

"Can you feel it coming? The icy cold of space."

"After you have frozen, your icy tomb will plummet back to Gotham."

and, lastly, "Ain't it grand? Freeze well."

All of these lines, spread throughout the movie would have been enough to make entire audiences weep in their popcorn but these come from the first twenty minutes! That’s right, we got another hour and a half of this shit. Lines like, "We aim to freeze," and, "Tonight’s forecast.....a freeze is coming!" and, "Cops on the rocks anyone?" all do their part to make you wish you could shove your head into a freeze-er and pound the door across your skull until blissful death saves you from anymore of these dreadful popsicle puns (sorry, I couldn't stop myself).

Personally, I always thought, "Alright, everyone, chill!" was the single crappiest Freeze line in the movie until I ran across, "Alright coppers...Freeze!" which is the same line but somehow infinitely worse. But the weirdest thing about this entire tragedy is that Akiva Goldman penned the script. More on him later.

CORRECTION: It's Akiva Goldsman. Sure, Goldman makes more sense but, hey, who am I to tell the guy he should change his name to something that sounds more proper?