They already have Easter...what more do they need?

I’m convinced that those bastards over at the Egg Board are playing us for chumps. Recently, it came to my attention that eggs don’t go bad. Hell, in some countries, they don’t even store the damn things in refrigerators! How is that possible?, I thought. I’ve smelled a bad egg and it smelled only slightly worse than the curdled milk inside the ballooned udders of a ten day dead heffer cow. So now I am to believe that eggs do not go bad! How is this so?

First, this story came to me from my stepfather, a germaphobe as a result of his days in ‘Nam, a place where the germs were so nasty, even the good ones were known to cause your scrotum to turn flaky and green forcing it to drop down into your left boot in hopes that things might be better there. They weren’t, of course, as another germ...again not even a really bad one...had already claimed the entire bodily area within the boot as a good place by which to cultivate and multiply. Anyway, my stepfather enjoys eggs well into three weeks past their expiration date...why? Because they are still good, that’s why. I didn’t believe it so I went to the Egg Board’s website and found this rather questionable statement:

Julian Dates. Starting with January 1 as number 1 and ending with December 31 as 365, these numbers represent the consecutive days of the year. This numbering system is sometimes used on egg cartons to denote the day the eggs are packed. Fresh shell eggs can be stored in their cartons in the refrigerator for 4 to 5 weeks beyond this date with insignificant quality loss.

Julian Dates? WTF is a Julian Date? I have yet to find a carton of eggs with the quizzical Julian date on them...it’s either Sell By or Expiration. If I wanted an aloof, non-answer, Egg Board, I’d ask the boss if I’m gonna get a Christmas bonus this year! Frustrated, I went to Consumer Report in order to research the matter and what I came up with was this rather nice piece of truth:

"Expiration": For most foods, this indicates the last date on which they should be eaten or used. Eggs are an exception: If you buy federally graded eggs before the expiration date (which must be no more than 30 days from when they were put in the carton), you should be able to use them safely for the next 3 to 5 weeks.

And there you have it. The cold, hard truth. Instead of thanking us for Easter and the thirty friggin’ million eggs Americans buy in order to get ready for the event, the Egg Board instead manipulates us into throwing away perfectly good eggs in order to buy more eggs that are no better than the ones we tossed. My only question is: if eggs hardly ever go bad, how do most of us know how bad a really bad one smells? On that one, for now you have me at a loss Egg Board.

But only for now.