I Don't Like Pie

There I said it. I've been spending the past two hours trying to figure out how I could not say it but I can't lie to myself: I don't like pie. I've been keeping that fact secret for nearly twenty years now (or ever since I turned down a McDonald's fried apple pie, feigning a false need to immediately go pee) but with yet another holiday season fastly approaching, I think it might be better to just come out right now. I know it doesn't make much sense because pies look delicious and they are usually full of really good stuff but I'd sooner just not eat if the only thing offered was a pie. My mother makes these amazing White Christmas pies during the holidays that everybody raves about....I tried one once. It was covered in coconut, the single foulest-tasting fruit in existence, and I had to spend a good two minutes walking around before I found opportune chance to spit my one bite into a garbage bin. I've tried pumpkin pie because everybody says pumpkin pie is the pie of the "Fall Season" or some shit. It tasted like sugary mush. I can think of like a hundred things that are better than sugary mush. I once made a really awesome apple pie (only because I like to cook) that looked absolutey delicious....but I didn't eat it despite my family giving it rave reviews. Why didn't I eat it? Because I've been burned enough eating nasty-ass pies, that's why.

I'd sooner eat a buttery ear of sweet corn....which just happens to be the only thing I disdain more than pies.