Canada...Where Bad Food Goes After It Dies

Long, long ago I used to actually work in Wal-Mart. Yes, it was a sad time in my life but it wasn't so bad as you might think because I didn't actually work for Wal-Mart, I just worked for a company who wanted me to work in Wal-Mart for them. And the only reason the company I worked for wanted me to work in Wal-Mart was because a bunch of other companies were paying them to hire me to work in Wal-Mart. Confused? I imagine you are so I'll explain it like this: when ever Kellogg's made a new cereal or wanted to set up some sort of Tony the Tiger display, instead of relying on Wal-Mart employees to do it, they paid my company to pay me to do it. It was boring as hell but they paid me well enough, they gave me a car, and they really didn't give a shit what hours I worked just as long as I did what they told me to do. But what I really found fascinating about the job was some of the really horrendous crap they wanted me to put out in the store. For instance, once, some company (now bankrupt I hope) came out with lunchtime push-ups. You know those yummy orange push ups you used to eat as a kid (and maybe you still do), these things looked just like that except instead of delicious orange sherbert, they were filled with Chili & Cheese Macaroni or Lasagna & Meatballs. It was a bad idea but even worse was how absolutely horrendous the product looked on the box. At best, the things looked like they were filled with heaps of wet dog food which was funny since you had to eat them without your hands or exactly how a dog would have to eat them. I went to seven different Wal-Mart's at the time and not a single box sold in a single store. The only thing that ever sold worse--or maybe just as bad--was when a company created this huge pepperoni and cheese tray for Superbowl season and somehow packaged the pepperoni in such a matter that it turned deep gray. For some reason, gray meat was not a big hit and I spent an entire week filling my car with these nasty trays; trays which caused my car to smell like a combination of rotting meat and old people.

I say all of this because I enjoy the occasional potato chip every now and again and I even like to get adventuresome with my chip sampling. In fact, I have probably sampled every assortment of potato chip on the market today and although I've found some to be rather unpleasant there are only two that I would deem completely inedible. They were both by Lays and, thankfully, they were pulled from the shelves within a week of their appearance. Those two chips were:

Dill Pickle and Ketchup although the Ketchup is much worse. I thought these were old bags being sold on eBay because of how horrendous they tasted but if you will look, that is a promo of the recent Superman movie on the bags. It would seem that these fine flavors are still being sold in Canada. Poor friggin' Canadians, I know they had bad food but this, well this is just wrong!! Then I went to the Canadian Lay's website and found out the even darker truth. Those bastards over at Lay's are making Canadians eat Curry flavored potato chips....and Wasabi...and Roast Chicken! Friggin' Roast Chicken-flavored potato chips! But even that isn't the worst because they even sell a Fries 'n Gravy potato chip. A potato chip that is trying to taste like a french fry with gravy on it.....even Willy Wonka couldn't pull that kind of shit off. Still, I don't know whether to feel sorry for the Canadians or call up those people who used to make Chipped Beef 'n Cream Push Ups and see if they want to take a road trip because I think I might have finally found their target market.